Live through the down times and remember the up times

Have you heard the term “Selective Memory” used when referring to someone who only seems to be able to recall those events that he or she wants to recall? Usually, it is used derisively to indicate the person is using it as an excuse for not doing something.

Usually, that is the case.

However, I know people who choose to remember only those things that continue to generate frustration and anger, and by doing so don’t even allow themselves to relive the pleasant times in their life.

For instance, in my previous life, from 1984 to 1992 I was married to a woman, we had two children (whom she has successfully turned against me) and for the last 6 or 7 years of our marriage all we did was argue. Yet, I recall many enjoyable moments, before and during the bad times; I know what was bad in that marriage, yet I choose to remember the good times and allow the bad times to remain in the background. This form of selective memory, recalling the pleasant times we had together, allows me to experience joy when I recall them. She, on the other hand, not only had chosen to recall all the bad times, but greatly embellished some of them over the years so that all she felt was pain and anger regarding me. So much so that even a normal, civil conversation was not possible for her. Once my son was old enough to take a train from their house in Queens (NY) and meet me in Manhattan (my daughter had already cut me off), I was able to disconnect from my “ex”, totally. That was a number of years ago, yet I still pray for her because I don’t know anyone who needs the love of the Lord as much as that poor, pitiful and unforgiving woman who causes herself continual pain by her selective memory.

The reason I told you about this is not to complain about her, or appear to put myself in a position of “holier-than-her”, but only as a personal example of how much better it is to selectively remember only the best parts of a relationship. And let me confess this now: I have not done this well. It took me many, many years (as my wife will confirm) just to be able to not talk about it all the time, and even today I am still fighting to not dwell on the loss of my children. I have prayer and God to help, and I am relieved to say I am getting better at not dwelling on it.

If you have had someone hurt you, and have forgiven them (as we are commanded to do), you should be able to remember the good aspects of that relationship without having to refuel the fires of hurtfulness that the sin against you caused. And, if you haven’t forgiven them, it’s about time you got with the program!

Forgiving is not forgetting, as much as it is letting go of the pain and anger. Because I have forgiven I can remember many fun times with my “ex”; our honeymoon was absolutely wonderful, we had some road trips that were great, the times we spent in the Pocono’s at a timeshare were relaxing and so much fun. I also remember there was that one vacation straight from hell, and many times during the marriage I wanted to leave. There were even times I wanted to commit suicide instead of going home. Really- it was that bad. But I now choose to leave those memories alone, and try to recall only the happy times because, well… why dwell on bad times and relive the hurt when you can remember happy times and feel good?

BTW: if you choose to relive the hurt someone caused you, it is not their fault that you are in pain. Yes, they may have struck the “first blow”, but if you choose to relive that event, over and over, now the pain you feel when reliving it is your own fault.

Of course, if someone is unforgiving, for them to relive only the happy times is probably not going to be possible. No one who is unforgiving will want to let go of their pain and sorrow, so they rip the scab off the cut every time it starts to heal. If you ask me, that’s a horrible way to live. It is so much better to remember happy times- don’t you agree?

Look- we all have bad times, and we all will remember them, but the idea is to live through the bad times and then put them behind you so you can recall only the happy times and let them fill you with joy. When loved ones pass away, we should celebrate their lives and recall all the joy they brought us; when we have marriage problems we cannot solve, we should part as people recalling that once we were able to share a love and to allow that to be the start of a new relationship. Once divorced, the marriage is dead, so we are free to begin a new relationship based on what first brought us together. And if the relationship is so damaged that it cannot continue, for whatever reason, then individually relive the happy times and remember only that what you had was a blessing while it was good. All things change, but all people do not change together.

Selective memory should not be used as an excuse for irresponsibility, but should be a means of recalling the joy we found in relationships that are no longer able to be that way. If you can recall only the happy times, you will be a happier person.

hating is easier than loving

They say good always triumphs over evil, and love conquers everything. I believe that both are true, but only in a spiritual sense: in the real world, I have seen that hate can be stronger than love and evil often wins out.

Sometimes evil does get what’s coming to it in the real world, but it always reaps the whirlwind in the afterlife.

I know people who can’t let go of their anger or hatred, and I can see it eating away their kishka’s (intestines) slowly. Hatred is a wormwood that infects the heart, and since (biblically) the heart is the source of intelligence, when we hate we not only damage relationships, but we get stupid, too!

Anger from pridefulness leads to hatred, unforgiveness feeds the hatred, and jealousy is (maybe) the worst form of hatred. And I believe (disagree if you want- that’s OK) that hatred is stronger than love in most people. To me, love is like clear, fresh water that extinguishes all anger and pride, whereas hatred is an all-consuming fire that is never satisfied and feeds on itself, never getting smaller and always growing stronger.

If we hate someone, usually they hate us back, but love is very often unrequited. In the long run, many more people love someone who doesn’t love them back, yet hatred will almost always return hatred. That’s how it feeds on itself. And hating is easy- very easy! To hate you only need to love yourself more than others, be prideful and unforgiving, and want everything to go your way. You see anyone and anything that prevents your desires from coming to fruition as the enemy. That is almost a description of human nature, isn’t it? Hating is a curse- not to the other person, but to the one who hates. Yet- we don’t care! Once we are in “hate mode”, we are gone! We lose control of our senses, our emotions, and we do and say things that will hurt ourselves and everyone around us. Hatred is death.

Love, on the other hand, is gentle, takes strength of character and humility, is forgiving and accepts everyone as they are, whether or not we agree with their choices. No mater what, we still love them. We know that they are children of God and if you love God, you have to love (at least, a little) His children.  I am not speaking about “hold me-kiss me-marry me”  love, but love in the spiritual sense.

Shaul (Paul) says in 1 Corinthians 13 that without love, he is nothing.  Hatred eats us alive, from the inside out, and then grows beyond us affecting everything and everyone we come into contact with. Well, love does the same thing, only it strengthens us from the inside out, and our love for others will also affect everyone and everything around us, but instead of burning and hurting (as hate does), love makes people feel better about themselves and the world. It may only last a moment with them, but it makes an impression. Even those that are consumed by hatred will be convicted by our loving example and will (probably) feel uncomfortable around us.

Hate is easy because it it fits well with our sinful personality. Love is hard because it takes self-sacrifice, forgiveness, and compassion- the exact opposite of what we call “human nature.”

“So, Mr. Cynical Steve, if you are so certain that hate is easier than love, and hatred is the norm, why even bother with love? How can we possibly attain it?” The answer is that God is able to show you how to love. God loved us all, even while we were sinners, enough to forgive us over and over, and finally to allow His only son to die so we could be saved. Yeshua loved us enough to give up, for all eternity, His divinity and take on a mantle of flesh so that He could die in order to save us from ourselves.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends .” (John 15:13)

This is the example we need to live up to, and with the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) dwelling inside us, we are encouraged to love. Hatred is a fire; fire can be extinguished with water; Yeshua (Jesus) said He is the Living Water, and that is what we need so we can extinguish hatred and become free of the fire. The waters of the this world can run dry, but the Living Water is always available.

The easy way is usually not the best way, just like if something sounds too good to be true, it probably isn’t. We have to fight to be loving, we have to run the race with our eyes on the prize to keep hatred behind us, we have to be willing to sacrifice our pride, and we need to understand that even when others hurt us we have to love them back. None of these things are easy to do, and are even harder to maintain when we are in a relationship that feeds on anger and unforgiveness.

I read a book once called “The Dance of Anger” (by Harriet Lerner) which said that when two people are in a relationship that is fed by negative reinforcement and destructive, when one of the two try to change it, even when that change is beneficial and good, the other person will go out of their way to bring the relationship back into disharmony because it has become comfortable. In other words, if we argue all the time and I try to stop arguing, you will be the one who constantly tries to start an argument. Or, if you try to calm me and work with me, I will do everything I can to undermine your attempts at peace so we go back to hurting each other. I read that book in my previous life, when I was in a very bad marriage, and what the book says is true. I ate crow for months, and did everything I could to avoid arguments. I even accepted that my family, my friends, and everything I ever held dear to myself (including my morals) were wrong. Yet, whenever I tried to make the relationship better, she tried to bring it back to where it was. She wanted to vent, and the more she vented, the windier it got- there was no venting because the fire of hatred and unforgiveness is unquenchable.

The answer to hatred is that you need to just stop hating, i.e. remove the fuel: that is the only way to put out the fire. With humans it is very hard- nearly impossible, but with God, all things are possible..

Parashah V’yetze (and he went out) Genesis 28 – 32:3

Jacob has left his home in fear of his brother, whose blessings were given to Jacob. He goes to Haran where Rebekah’s brother, Laban, lives and Jacob stays with him. On the way he has a dream in which God appears and confirms to Jacob the promises that He gave to Abraham and Isaac.

Jacob sees Rachel before he sees Laban, and falls in love with her right then and there. Laban welcomes him into his home, and after a month Laban offers to pay Jacob. Jacob names his wages: he will work 7 years and then Rachel is to be his wife.

Now we start to see how the one called the “Supplanter”, who manipulated his brother into giving up his birthright, now meets his match. Well, almost his match.

After 7 years Jacob is all set to marry Rachel, but Laban throws Leah into the tent and by the time Jacob realizes who he has been celebrating the honeymoon with (I gotta think- how drunk was he to not notice the difference?) it is too late. Laban has pulled a fast one on Jacob, who now is forced to work another 7 years for Rachel (at least he gets to marry her first, after he spends the mandatory 1 week with Leah.)

Now that he is married and the years of labor for Rachel are in full swing, Leah starts to drop male rug-rats like there’s no tomorrow, whereas Rachel is barren.  Then Rachel orders Jacob to give her children through her handmaiden, to which Leah counters with the same demand, and eventually Rachel gives birth to Joseph, and we have the birth of 11 of the 12 tribes of Israel, and are told the reason for each of their names.

Meanwhile, back at the sheep troth, Jacob asked for speckled and dark sheep and goats (the less valuable) as payment for tending  Laban’s flocks, and by using streaked rods when the animals drink and mate, he manages to get the strongest kids and lambs to be in his flocks, whereas Laban’s flocks are weaker. Jacob hears Laban’s sons becoming hostile and decides it’s time to go back home, so he takes his family and flocks and beats a fast retreat to Canaan when Laban is not anywhere around. Laban goes after him and catches up, but God warns Laban in a dream not to do anything bad to Jacob.

Laban is also upset because, unknown to Jacob, Rachel has taken the family gods which are the inheritance of the firstborn and gave Laban authority over the other members of the family. Laban never found the gods because Rachel said she was in her time of Niddah (menstruating) so that Laban would not come near her to search under the saddle she was sitting on, where the gods were hidden.

Finally, Laban and Jacob make a pact that neither will cross over a standing stone to do the other harm, and Laban goes back to his home.

Well, well, well…what goes around comes around, doesn’t it?

Jacob finagles the blessings and rights of the firstborn from his brother, then is tricked into marrying Leah, consequently forcing Jacob to work an additional 7 years to marry Rachel (who was first promised to him.) Then Jacob manipulates the flocks so that he has the healthiest and Laban has the dreck (Yiddish for trash.) Then, when Jacob sneaks away, Rachel steals the family gods, which are part of the birthright of the firstborn.

‘Round and ’round, up and down- Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!

I find it interesting that here we have the Patriarchs! The fathers of Judaism, the ones that are righteous before God, who God, Himself, talked to. More than once, even! And yet, they are deceptive, they are self-centered (telling your wife to allow herself to be taken into a harem to protect your own skin) and they end up marrying the same type of person: Rebekah told Jacob to fool Isaac and Rachel stole from her father.

I read in my Chumash that the Midrash explains why Rachel stole the family gods: it was so that her father wouldn’t worship them. C’mon, really? That is what I call giving something that isn’t holy a holy “spin.” Those gods represented power and authority in that culture: the other family members would go to the oldest, who was the keeper of these gods, and pay him to pray to the gods so that their crops would be plentiful and their herds reproduce well. I don’t believe for a second that Rachel had anything else in mind other than to take what she felt was hers.  I base this on Genesis 31:14, where both Rachel and Leah state that they no longer have any inheritance in their fathers house. They accuse Laban of having sold them and used up what there was of the purchase price. In other words, Laban has nothing left to give them as an inheritance. I think it is pretty clear that Rachel stole the gods to recoup what she felt was owed to her.

This is what is so wonderful about the bible- we see the people in it for who and what they really are: human beings. There is no “sugar-coating” their actions or their intentions. And why I think this is so wonderful is that it shows us that we don’t have to be super holy to be loved by God; we don’t have to be sinless to be saved; and God will help us even when we aren’t doing everything on the “up and up” so long as we are trying to do what He wants from us.

The bible stories are so interesting, so full of romance, deceit, murder, retribution, and (best of all) a happy ending for the good guys. I am not at all surprised that thousands of years after these events happened, we are still fascinated reading about them (well, I am) and the message they have is never old or out of date.

Maybe that’s because the bible is about more than just God and salvation- it is about us. About people, about society, and about what the world is like. And, of course, about what the end will be and how to finish on the winning side.

If you aren’t reading the bible every day, please do so. If you know someone who doesn’t read it at all, share these stories but don’t tell that person where they are from until he or she asks. I really want to do something to help people read the bible because they need to know what God is saying, not only what some Pastor, Rabbi or Priest is telling them they learned in Theology class.

The world is witnessing the fulfillment of God’s promise of judgement on the nations, and seeing the regathering of Israel. It is not coming soon, it is happening now! We who know the Lord and know what is to happen are obligated to tell those who are ignorant and obstinate.

Tell someone else about this blog- I don’t mean to sound uppity or self-important but I am trying to write in here that which will always give glory and honor to God, and I want to help people realize the truth about what God says so they can compare it to what they are being told. We need to understand what being “holy” really means, and not what the church or synagogue makes it seem like.

To be holy means to be separated, that’s all- and when we are separated from the world, which is a cursed and sinful place, although we may still be sinful in our hearts we can control ourselves to be less sinful.

I was a sinner before I knew the Lord, and now that I know the Lord I am still a sinner! BUT- I am a saved sinner because I have done T’shuvah, I have turned from my desire to sin and now have a desire to sin less. I understand I can never be sinless, but I know that I can always sin less.

Read the “manual” and get to know the people in it, who and what they are, and be empowered by their weaknesses which they overcame with God’s help. As Shaul (Paul) says in 2 Corinthians, 12:9:

And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me.

Let the weaknesses of the Patriarchs encourage you so that you, too, can be a Patriarch (or a Matriarch) of your own future.

Seek ye the things of heaven

Here’s another “winner” from the annuls of Dear Amy…. the woman writes how she is extremely happy with a husband who cares for her in every way, helps around the house, is loving, compassionate and considerate, EXCEPT (here it comes)- he doesn’t want her parents to pay for a big wedding.

They’re already married! They had a civil ceremony because at that time they couldn’t afford the big, glitzy wedding, which he is willing to do, once they save up their money. He wants to foot the bill himself and not have her parents pay for it. She is upset that he won’t let her parents pay for the big wedding she wants to have now.

OK- let me get this straight: you have a wonderful marriage with a wonderful mate, but without a “big” wedding ceremony you feel like you are missing out. Is that it? Do I have that right?

Really?

Yet, this is what America is all about now, isn’t it? Having the most, being the best, owning the biggest, more, more, more and… of what? More of what the moth eats? More of what the rust destroys? More of what will not work in a couple of years?  Do you really need to pay thousands of dollars for a dress that you will wear for a few hours then will end up encased in plastic, languishing in a trunk in the attic, never to be used again?

In his letter to them, Shaul (Paul) tells the Colossians that they should seek the things of heaven and not of earth (Chapter 3, verse 2); throughout the bible we are told of the need to be concentrating on God and godly things, such as love, compassion, honesty, trust, affection, long-suffering (read the fruits of the Spirit that Shaul talks about in Galatians 5:22-23) and faithfulness.

Here are a few out-takes from God’s Word that remind us about this:

Colossians 3:1 If you then be risen with Messiah, seek those things which are above, …

1 Chronicles 22:19 Now set your heart and your soul to seek the LORD your God; arise …

Psalm 91:14 Because he has set his love on me, therefore will I deliver him: …

Psalm 119:36,37 Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.

1 John 2:15-17 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.

The things of God are eternal and the things of the world are temporary. Our lives are meant for one thing, and one thing only: to give us the time we need to make up our minds where we want to spend eternity.

That’s it, Folks- the answer to the question that has plagued Mankind ever since the first Philosopher asked, “What’s it all about?” is this:

You have been given this temporary existence to decide where you will spend eternity.

We need to get our heads back on our shoulders and thank the proctologist for his help in doing so. The things of this world are so much less important than the things that God wants us to have. Doesn’t Yeshua (Jesus) tell His disciples that they should look at how beautifully the flowers in the fields are dressed, and how God feeds every bird in the sky, so they shouldn’t worry about what they are to wear or eat (Matthew 6:28) because God knows all that they need and can provide it for them? We needn’t worry about the things of the world or desire them because they are a trap set by the evil one to detour us from our walk with God.

That doesn’t mean if you have been blessed (financially) to the point you can afford to buy a new BMW that you should get a used Tercel, instead. What it means is that if you have a used Tercel and it works, don’t set your eyes on having a new BMW that you can’t really afford just to have one. 

When I read that letter to Amy I immediately thought of the TV shows “Bridezilla” and “Say Yes to the Dress”, and how they show the absolute worst sides of humanity- vanity, selfishness, covetousness,  pridefulness, envy, boastfulness. These women wanted to have “the” wedding while wearing “the” dress. It was all about the show, and nothing at all to do with what marriage is really about. Marriage is about love, self-sacrifice, togetherness, compassion, respect, and a life together that is centered on God.

One of God’s great advantages is that He is already in the future looking back, so He knows where we are going and how we need to get there. We, on the other hand, are in a maze surrounded by tall walls of thick foliage and unable to know which way to go. Because God is far above, looking down, and can clearly see where every path leads we must trust in His eyes and not our own.

I believe we can also see backwards from the future.  For instance, do you ever consider when you are in a moment of frustration what you will feel like in 5 years from now about this very situation? How many things that had you fuming or frustrated or upset that happened years ago can now be recalled without emotional strife and becoming upset?

NOTE: if you can’t recall things that upset you long ago without becoming upset, you need to search this site for all the posts about “forgiveness” because you really need to get that down before you can do what I am asking of you now.

This is what we need to teach ourselves to do: at the moment someone says something that upsets you and you are all set to fire back at them- stop! Think about what will result when you let go the words that are already in your mouth (just dying to get out), and ask yourself  if, years later, you will be happy you said it or regret your actions? If you are even the slightest bit unsure how the future will see what you say now, then shut up!

Sounds easy…well, actually, it doesn’t sound easy, and the truth is that it’s even harder to do than it sounds. James 3:5-8 tells us that the tongue is nearly impossible to control, and Proverbs 16:32 tells us that the one who is able to control his (or her) anger is more powerful than one who can conquer a city (James repeated that message also in 1:19), so it is clear that this is something not just very hard to do, but has historically been a stumbling block in human relationships. Yet…just think how much better things would be if you could learn to do it, even a little bit, even just once in a while! I have taught myself that I need to proof-read my emails, and not just for spelling and grammar issues, but for “booby-traps”: things that may be saying something the wrong way or written in a derogatory manner that I will later regret having written. I have learned (most of the time but not always, I am ashamed to say) to delete the questionable sentences, or just not send the email at all. It has been very very hard to do that but I am learning to think “back in time” instead of being enslaved by what I am feeling “at this time.”

If there is a lesson in here anywhere, I think that is it- learn to think “back in time” so that you will be acting more from an eternal (i.e., godly) viewpoint than an immediate (i.e., human) viewpoint.

Empowerment or Excuse

Shabbat Shalom. I usually have a Parashah message on Friday but I glanced at an article in the morning paper and feel so strongly about what it said to my spirit that I am going to rant and rave today.

The article was about a group of women who wanted to protest the backing by the Governor of Florida of a law that will remove a lot of funding for abortion clinics by forcing the doctors to have stricter regulations on their licensing, as well as stricter demands for inspections of clinics and restrictions on how fetal remains are handled. The government says this law is to improve the quality of the existing clinics and protect the health of the women using them; the protesters say it will just close more clinics and that the Governor is a hypocrite.

It came to me, after all these years of Roe vs. Wade conflicts, that the real reason women who choose to have sex outside of marriage want abortion clinics has nothing at all to do with their empowerment or rights regarding how they treat their body.

Let me say this, first, about right to life: I do not believe anyone should have sex if they are not married (and I mean to each other- sex between married people is still wrong if they are each married to someone else.) Let me also say that I was just as guilty of this sin, called fornication, as anyone else ever has been or will be. Before I was saved I had no problem with it, at all; in fact, when I was single (and before I knew the Lord) I not only was interesting in nailing anyone who was willing, but their marriage status was not a concern. That is different now, of course.

The bible is absolutely clear that fornication is a sin- it is not implied, or hinted at, or hidden in between the lines- according to Strong’s Concordance there are some 36 references throughout the bible against fornication. It’s a sin, plain and simple. What I really can’t stand to hear is the childish and irresponsible whining of people who choose to commit a sin and then say that it isn’t really a sin.

DUH!! If the bible says it is a sin, it is a S-I-N; what part of , “This is a sin” don’t you understand? Yet those who do what they want, feeling (to some degree, to their credit) a level of remorse, will not admit to their sinfulness and weakness but instead will rationalize it away by saying that what they did is not really a sin. At least, it shouldn’t be.

I took your possessions but that isn’t really stealing. I hit you in the face five times but that isn’t really assault. I shot you thirty-five times times in the head, but it was an accident.

Oy!

Fornication is a sin, and the abortion clinic argument is not about empowerment- it is about excuses. Abortion does not support a woman’s right to control her own body- it is a way to avoid the accountability of making a mistake. It is her “get out of jail (pregnancy) card” that she can throw on the table when her sinful actions have resulted in a new life that she is not willing to be responsible for.

The demand to allow abortion is, at it’s core, the demand for the right to commit murder and thereby avoid the consequences of a sin.

How can you avoid the consequence of a sin by committing another one? Any sin, no matter how “big” or how “small”, is a sin in God’s eyes. Fornication (from a human viewpoint) is less of a sin than murder;  murder made it to the Top Ten Hit list of sins, whereas fornication is low on the charts. That said, abortion clinics are the way that someone who chooses to fornicate can avoid the consequence of that action.

I do not want you to think that I am judging those who have sex outside of marriage- as I said, I was as guilty in my youth as anyone today. I am not judging people who fornicate when I call it a sin: I am simply defining what the bible says their actions are.

What I am ranting about is the irresponsibility and immaturity, both emotionally and spiritually, of people who demand to be allowed to have an abortion when they have failed to take the proper precautions or who become pregnant and don’t want to deal with it.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you when you first learned the attraction of matches: “If you play with fire you will get burned.”

Sin is a fire: it burns us, it consumes everything it touches, and it leaves scars. Yeshua can remove the scars and without Him, we have no hope. Abortion cannot remove the scars.

What this boils down to is sin if you want to- that is your choice. But stop trying to cover it up and excuse it away. If you fornicate and get pregnant, then deal with what you have done. I have heard from people that have had that “accident” and found they love that child as much, if not more so, than the “planned” ones. If you want to fornicate, do so- you were given, by God, free will to choose to commit sin. And you were also given, by God, the sacrificial death of His son to let you escape the eternal consequences of your sin. Mind you- I said the eternal consequences, not the physical, current consequences. A murderer can be forgiven murder through Yeshua, but he or she will still have to go to jail. Sin always has consequences on Earth which we cannot avoid.

I believe that abortion clinics are wrong and should be outlawed; not as a means of denying women the right to control what they do with their own body, but because they represent an escape from accountability. And, yes, I also believe that legal abortion is state-authorized murder.

We purposefully sin but don’t want to be held accountable. Fine. Live that way, make your excuses, use science or philosophy, make arguments about rights to control your body and empowerment, but it is all a smoke screen and misdirection. Abortion has nothing to do with empowerment or rights- it is all about lack of accountability and escaping the consequences of one’s actions.

If you fornicate and get pregnant, do your duty to the life you created and then give the baby up for adoption so someone who is not blessed with fertility can raise the child with the love you don’t have for it. Abortion is wrong, adding sin upon sin, and abortion clinics are state-authorized slaughterhouses. It’s that simple, it’s that easy to understand, and it’s that terrible.

Stop rationalizing your sin and own up to it, people! At least have the guts to admit you made a mistake and then show the maturity and strength of character to finish what you started.

Real empowerment doesn’t come from excuses- real empowerment comes from personal accountability.

Being Correct Doesn’t Make You Right

One of the nicest slaps in the face I ever received was from Jim McGovern, one of the better bosses I have been blessed to work for. He told me that what I say to people is usually right, but I say it the wrong way.

That’s an important lesson for all of us.

I read this morning in Dear Abby about a woman whose uncle is (apparently) a person who believes in the Bible and what it says. However, at a gay marriage he was invited to (and he went?) he screamed out while the men were walking down the aisle that his bible says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. He has also been very vocal (and impolite) at other occasions. She went on to say he was divorced three times already and on his 4th marriage, and by now I understood this person, and the way he was expressing biblical truths, was not using God’s word to honor God; in fact, he was dishonoring God by his actions.

Being a God-fearing, Bible-loving Believer is great! But ramming it down someone else’s throat doesn’t bring any glory or honor to God. Just the opposite- it dishonors Him, and will drive people away from the Lord instead of bringing them to Him. We need to show the word of God in the proper light- by being a living example of the love, compassion and forgiveness that God showed to us, and that Yeshua showed, as well.

I don’t believe that homosexuality is a correct way to be- it is a sin. So is lying, so is adultery, so is stealing, so is murder, so is gossip. To God, sin = sin. There is no sin>sin or sin<sin: sin=sin=sin. It is all the same to God, any one sin is just as bad as many sins, and it only takes one sin to separate us from the Lord.

By God’s grace and love, every sin is forgivable. Through Yeshua’s sacrifice, every one of us can be forgiven, and saved eternally from ourselves.

I have dear family members, on my side and Donna’s, that are gay. I love them, I visit them and love it when they visit me. I don’t ram down their throats what I think because I am just as much as sinner as they are- we are all in the same boat, we are all sinners, we are all in need of the salvation of God available through Yeshua ha Mashiach.

We should be allowed to voice our opinions but we need to respect the rights of others to make their own choices in life. We will all be before the Lord, sooner or later, and He is the final judge. God, and God alone, is the ultimate, final and only fair and just judge that is, was, or ever will be. And that is because He can see the heart, whereas we humans can barely see the nose on our face.

Hate the sin and love the sinner- we say it, we hear it, but do you live it? If you are the one who says what is right but says it the wrong way, the bottom line is that you are wrong. I am one who knows- I am the rightest wrong person you will ever meet. I am an old pro at being right the wrong way, and when you drive people away or hurt their feelings saying the right things, you are wrong.

Why? Because when you plant a seed you need to sow it gently. By shoving the truth down someone’s throat you are sowing seed then stomping on it, then kicking it, then stomping on it again.

Ain’t gonna get no harvest that way!

People don’t mean what they say, they mean what they do– the man described above may say he believes in the bible, but what he does says he is just a self-righteous, judgmental person who is using God’s word as his excuse to berate others and voice his own opinion. He isn’t giving honor or glory to God, he is only proving he is a “holier-than-thou” you-know-what.

If we are really God-fearing, and we really believe in the bible, and we really want to show others the truth and love of God, and we really want to bring others to salvation, we really won’t do it by preaching how wrong they are and insulting them. That won’t win people over to God because when you insult people all you do is force them to become defensive. Besides that, another truism I have learned from being in sales is that people only believe half of what you say, but 100% of what they say, so no matter what you say or how correctly you say it, they still won’t really believe you. They will, however, notice how you live, how you act towards them, and how you treat others.

If you want to win people over to God, don’t tell then how they should act: show them.

Lower and Lower We Sink; Closer and Closer We Come

I read an article in the paper this morning about web sites and phone apps that are designed, essentially, as dating sites. These aren’t the kind where singles of specific age, religion or race get together; these are for married people who just want to have relationships outside their marriage without giving up their marriage.

When I was younger we called them “swingers”, or couples that liked to “swap”, so it’s not a new idea. It’s just an old idea that has met modern technology to form a more perfect union between people who are out to destroy the godly union they committed to at one time.

Oh…excuse me, they aren’t destroying it. They are just realizing their own desires for experimentation, or is it expanding their experience? No, maybe it’s enhancing their marriage by allowing them to know others so they can better appreciate what they have. Right.

After all, what does a monogamous, committed relationship give us that can match fornicating with anyone and everyone you want to? Committed relationships with fidelity can’t give you STD’s, it can’t place you in a position where you may be locked in a room with a sadist or someone who gets off on you getting hurt (that can go in either direction, by the way), or meeting a fanatical, controlling monster who will ruin your life and harm your children.

Oh, yes, and a faithful relationship can’t give you palimony suits or bastard children (yes, that is still a valid term for children born out of wedlock, which assumes the wedlock they are born from is the one you have with your spouse and not someone else’s spouse.)

As society becomes more and more accepting of sinful relationships that erode the very foundation of faithfulness, even at a human level (not to mention faith in an unseen God), we will see more and more degradation of ethical behaviour. If those who commit to a relationship before God are willing to renege on that promise of fidelity so easily, well…what’s next? If it doesn’t bother me to cheat on my spouse, how much more will it bother me to steal from work? Or steal from a friend? After all, I’m willing to sleep with his wife so what if I grab a ten-spot I see on the dresser?

If we can cheat on the very person we promised to be faithful to, forever, then how much more easily can we cheat on our taxes? After all, we never even kissed Uncle Sam, let alone promised to be faithful, right? And we can lie about it, too- what’s lying compared to adultery? Very similar, actually, so if I can do one then the other is a breeze.

The only good news in this decrepit environment we live in is that the lower we sink, as a society, and the more accepting we find sinful actions to be, the closer we come to the final judgement. That should be frightening for those who do not know the Messiah of Adonai, and it should be a source of hope for those that do.

I find these things disgusting, an abomination. Anything that erodes even the slightest ethical mores of a society will be like the hametz Yeshua warns us against which will grow, and grow, and grow until we live in a new Sodom and a resurrected Gomorrah.

Actually, we are pretty close right now, aren’t we? Instead of cutesy names like OpenMinded, Adultfriendfinder or Fullofdesire (no single men allowed on that site) they should just call themselves what they are: cheatonyourspouse, hurtyourkids, bealouse, getadisease, rejecttheLord, sinforfun.

Be prepared for even worse stuff to come. There will soon be more sinfulness, the strong will take advantage of the weak, society will begin to split into those who band together in sinful activity and those that will be rejected; the ones who refuse to take the mark of the enemy will not be able to buy anything (Revelations) and will find themselves outcasts. Family values will disintegrate into faithlessness, adultery, and probably more (sexual) child abuse and inbreeding.  This is foretold to us in the writings of the Prophets, and Yeshua confirms it in His warnings to the Disciples.

We must be prepared, and the best preparation is to know what to expect. I don’t care to read the newspapers, except for the comics and the word puzzles, but I do glance at the headlines: not so I can intelligently discuss current events, but to look for the signs of the End Days.

This article I read today is a road marker: “Destruction is just ahead.” I’m not sure how many miles we need to go before we get there, but the road is getting bumpier and more winding. It’s getting harder to stay on the straight and narrow when every road our society creates is bent out of shape and lined with brothels and low-class bars instead of family hotels and IHOP’s.

It’s rough weather ahead, Matey’s, so steer your course true and watch for sandbars along the way. We will have to go through a maelstrom before we hit quiet waters.

Dear Abby Strikes, Again

I have a lot of respect for Dear Abby. For the most part, the advice given by her is reasonable and I am sure over the many years this column has run that there are many people she has comforted, as well as set straight. I have the same respect for Ask Amy, and pretty much any advice columnist because, if for no other reason, they have such an impact on and responsibility to others.

But, then again, sometimes they are giving “politically correct” advice and not really honoring a godly position.

Here’s today’s take: an older couple has a daughter moving in with her boyfriend and having an open house. The couple writes that their faith is against this sort of relationship, they love their daughter but feel they can’t bring themselves to participate in an open house that represents a relationship they are against, religiously.

Abby pretty much told them they were wrong, that many couples are living together today and that they will lose more than they will gain by not attending.

I think since this couple raised these kids, the kids would already know how they feel about cohabitation (“living in sin”, as we used to say; that is, when people cared whether they were sinning or not) and might invite the parents as a courtesy, but not really expect them to attend.

We are to hate the sin and love the sinner, but that doesn’t mean we should condone the actions, and being “tolerant” is just standing by and watching sin without speaking up against it. The Bible is pretty clear about not allowing evil to be ignored. Check out Ezekiel 3:8, or Ephesians 5:11, Hebrews 13:4 (about marriage) and throughout the Tanakh. We are told if we see an enemy’s donkey overburdened we are to offer to help, and if someone loses their animal we are to care for it until it can be returned.

The Bible teaches us to try to help others and speak out against wrongdoing, whereas the World teaches that we should be happy if our enemy suffers and “finders, keepers; losers, weepers.”

I applaud this couple who say they love their kids and yet will not prostitute their beliefs just to make the kids happy. What lesson does that teach? It teaches that if the world says it’s OK then you should do it. That is bad advice, Abby- that is the “wisdom of the world” that will send people straight to hell. If everyone else takes the “mark” and is rewarded for it, as they will be, then should I also take it, even when I know what it means? Just because it will make my family happy? Because everyone else is doing it? Because it is accepted by society? Hasn’t your mother ever asked you, “If everyone else was jumping off the Empire State building, would you jump off, too?”

The trouble is that in today’s world (actually, it has always been this way) people jump off the building because they don’t know they are jumping off the building. The Prophets were told, because they know the true word of God, that they are required to tell those sinning to repent, otherwise the blood of the wicked will be on the head of the Prophet! That sounds like a lose-lose deal, doesn’t it? If I say something against what the world does I will be an outcast, and if I go along with them I will be guilty before God. Read Jeremiah to find out how difficult it is to be Godly-right and worldly-wrong.

Personally, I prefer being OK with God and the World can go to … , well, that’s where the world is already going, isn’t it?

The Bible says that we, those who worship the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, are to be holy because He is holy. Being holy means being separated, and you can’t be separated from the world if you go along with the world. This couple is separated, and they are determined to stay that way, even at the potential cost of alienating their own daughter. That is the kind of faith that wins people over to God, and the kind of faith that God requires of us all. That is the kind of faith the Levites showed at the base of Mt. Horeb.

What is the strength of your faith? If it was your daughter or son having an open house for their unmarried relationship, or even a gay relationship, would you go?  I confess I am not sure what I would do. I have family members who have been in a gay relationship for many years and when Donna and I visit we stay at their house. They are very aware that I do not agree with their lifestyle, but I love them and want to be with them. I think the best way I can get someone to see God’s way is to demonstrate it in my lifestyle and I can still be true to my beliefs without having to alienate them. But that’s me.

These are tough questions, and require tough answers. And the answer has to be one you decide for yourself. The end is coming sooner than we realize; it is just around the corner and there is no more time to think about it.

There are only two sides to this game, and God has already won. So, nu? Who’s side do you want to be on?

Do You Whisper in the Hallway?

We went to Virginia Beach this past weekend to watch my niece get married. Mazel tov, Heather and Joey!!

We stayed at a nice resort hotel, with long hallways that were more like echo chambers, and everyone who passed by talked loudly, laughed loudly, let their kids scream and make noise, and always before 0700 and after 2100.

Those people showed absolutely no restraint or consideration for others, and demonstrated to their children how to be the same way.

The Bible tells us that we should treat each other as we want to be treated, and that means not only when we are in need. It means all the time, it means thinking of others instead of just doing “our own thing”, and it means setting an example for our children. Walking down the hallway in a hotel is passing by where other people may be working, sleeping at any and all hours of the day, or maybe just trying to relax watching TV. It is not the place you have casual conversations standing between the open doors of your rooms. You wanna talk, fine- go in the room. I understand that there are weddings and reunions, and people are a little tipsy and maybe forgetful that they should be quiet, but that’s no excuse.

Having a reason to explain why one is acting badly is not an excuse for doing so.

We seem to think that so long as we have an reason, that is an excuse, and others should deal with it. That may be how it works in the physical world, but from what I read in the Bible (what do you think?) God is not interested in excuses- He demands action. God demands and desires our obedience always: I say demands and desires because He knows, as has been evident since the creation of humans, that what God demands is more often not done. That’s why even though He demands our obedience, because He is compassionate and understanding He desires to see us actually obey. His laws and commandments are for our good, and His love for us is why He gives us these laws. His love also is why, despite knowing our rebellious, stiff-necked ways, He desires to see us obey. When we obey, He can give us the full measure of blessings He wants to; when we disobey, because He is holy and trustworthy, he cannot do all for us He desires to do. You see, He is God, and when he tells us that obedience is rewarded and disobedience is punished, He means what He says so by His own promises to us He cannot bless those who reject Him. He can allow blessings to fall upon everyone- as it says in the Bible,  it rains on both the just and the unjust. So, too, unrighteous people may seem to be doing really well, but in the long run, when it really, really counts, they will be losers. Ultimate, eternal losers.

In all cases, however, God will be trustworthy to bless when He says He will, and trustworthy to judge as He says we deserve to be judged. Just because we have an excuse doesn’t mean we will be excused.

Those that have ears, let them hear.

Back to the hallways:  always be thinking about others. In the midst of your joy, and despite your sorrow, consider others and their needs. You can still have a lot of fun while traveling, or even in your own home, without having to  interrupt or be bothersome to others.

Being considerate is another form of loving the Lord. Yeshua said that those who do good thing to others are doing the same to Him.  It’s easy to see that when we give food to hungry people, or donate clothing to the poor. It isn’t always as easy to see that just whispering in the hallways is also a way of doing good to Yeshua by doing good to others. It can be that simple.

Think about this next time you are in a hotel and walking to your room. Then, try to be understanding when you realize that you will, most likely, be the only one in that hotel who does.

Why We Don’t Know How to Love

“Huh?  Why do you say we don’t know how to love, Steve? I love my spouse, I love my kids (most of the time), and I love and have loved many other people in my life. And, of course, I love the Lord!”

Good for you. But look at all the other people in the world that don’t know how to love. The terrorists can’t possibly love with all that hatred in their hearts. Oh, they may like, they may lust, they may even really adore, but I don’t believe they can possibly love, not like we learn from God, when they do such horrible things.

Read the Dear Abby, the Ask Amy, or whomever is the advice columnist in your local paper. I can’t count how many times I have read something along these lines:

I have been with this person for x years and s/he is hateful and cruel. I am yelled at for not doing anything, then yelled at for doing something wrong, even when it is exactly as they told me. I am scared of being hurt, he has had three affairs and drinks too much. She spends our money and I have seen her name on multiple dating sites. There are emails with co-workers that are sexually explicit. But they’re really a wonderful person and I love him/her. What do I do?

You are with someone who cheats, is brutish, scares you, is having affairs, keeps secrets, wastes your money and drinks too much, but you think they’re wonderful, love them and just don’t know what to do? OY!!

Look- love does not conquer all. To be in any relationship where you are considered second class and mistreated is not only a sin the other person commits against you, but is also a sin you commit against yourself! I am not saying to ditch your main squeeze at the first sign of trouble, and we are married for better or worse, but that doesn’t include debasement, infidelity, and abusiveness. These things need to be handled. Even Yeshua, who stood up for the sanctity and holiness of marriage, said that infidelity is a reason for divorce. And Shaul told us that if we are in a relationship that is unevenly yoked the Believer is allowed to leave, but only if the non-Believer wants that. He goes on further to say that they should stay together because the one may be saved by the other, but not if your safety is threatened.

This confusion about relationships, which is so prevalent it sends the love columnist’s kids through college, is rampant because reading the Bible is a rarity. God tells us how to treat each other, and through the writings of the Prophets and some of the Epistles of Shaul, we can see clearly how God loves us and how we should, thereby, love each other.

God’s love is unconditional, but not enabling. He will punish us when we are wrong and He will allow us to choose our own fate. He will protect and nourish us when we are faithful, and when we reject Him He will allow us to be on our own. But He still loves us and is always willing, and hopeful, that we will repent of our sins and turn back to Him.

The Torah shows us how God’s love is unconditional, but His blessings and presence are. We must obey and remain obedient in order to have His constant protection and blessing. Reading the book of Judges, as well as the writings of the Prophets, Kings and Chronicles shows us how God has constantly shown His love, yet allowed us to wander, to prostitute ourselves with other gods (have an affair), mistreat and berate Him (by rejecting His laws) and be abusive (taking His name in vain, choosing to work on His holy days, even watching football religiously but never attending services or reading His word.)

God loves us and wants to be with us, always. He wants us to bask in His glory and be joyful. He also provides everything we need for this to happen. Then He has to watch us throw it all in the garbage, curse Him, ignore Him, reject and even forget about Him, totally. There are many who don’t even believe He exists. Yet, He still loves us.

However, He isn’t writing to Dear Abby saying, “I have created them, I gave them the Earth and everything in it, which I created for them, and I have nurtured, protected and kept them alive for millennia, yet they don’t care a whit about me! All they want to do is what they want to do- I tell them how to be happy and they choose not to; I tell them how to treat others and they spit in my face; I tell them to keep away from the Enemy because he will lead them to ruin and they laugh at me and follow him gladly. I love them and show them my love, yet they have affairs with other gods, like money, professional sports, career activities, and they prostitute themselves with gluttony and avarice and fornication. I just don’t know what to do, Abby.”

What do you think she would say? I’ll bet that getting professional help will be in there, somewhere.

Here’s what I’d like to see them say: “READ THE BIBLE, YOU DUMMY!! Get to know what love is and what love is supposed to be, and then go find it. You can’t be loved until you learn how to love, so read about God and learn how to love so you won’t be saddled with some schmo like the one you have.”

We need to do everything we can to save our marriage, to work with our steady love interest, and to make the relationships in our life worthy of God’s blessing. But it takes two to tango, and if you are the one doing all the work, and the other side is just not caring at all about you, your feelings or you needs, you are not in a healthy, Godly relationship. If the other side is not willing to change or even try, you need to realize that, just as God allowed His loved people to wander off and nearly destroy themselves in order to come to their senses, you need to allow your other half to do the same. You need to talk, offer compromise, go to counseling, and try hard. If this is something the other side says he or she is willing to do, then be patient, show the truest form of loving in that you will abide by that person and help them, even if they are being somewhat cruel to you, and forgive them as long as they really want to change and ask for it.

If none of that is happening, though; if the other person is unwilling to try, unwilling to listen or care about you, and unwilling to love you as you should be loved, then let them do what they want to do, but let them do it on their own. The books I mention above show that God, despite His love for us, despite His unbelievable level of compassion and forgiveness, and despite His willingness to overlook our past and our many sins against Him, still underwent a series of “trial separations” from His people. He left His bride alone, naked and wallowing in her own vomit, exposed and ravaged by her enemies until she realized her wrongdoings and asked for forgiveness, promising to do as she should.

Then He gladly and joyfully accepted her back. Now that’s what love is.

In our relationship with God, we must be faithfully obedient, and in our relationship with each other, we must be loving, compassionate, forgiving and treat each other as we would want to be treated.

If you aren’t getting that in your relationship today, forget Dear Abby or Ask Amy and go to the Bible. See what God says, and bring that book to your other half. Follow what God does, what Shaul tells us love should be, and stand up for yourself.

I am not saying to call a divorce lawyer. I am saying we should all know what love is, as God tells us and not what people say. People are stupid, self-centered and sinful. People are obstinate, stiff-necked and selfish. People are always trying to get something for themselves, people are…well, they’re people!

As someone once told me: Humanity is a wonderful thing- it’s the people that ruin it.

Learn about how to love from the one who created it, who set the standards, and who is a constant source of renewal and strength: Adonai.

If you are looking for love and not finding it in your life or your relationship, stop looking around and start looking up. God is always there to show you how He loves you, and to give you the love you want. Once you have that, then you can go find it in the world because you will know what to look for.