Perfect Relationships That Aren’t Really Perfect

I have thanked Dear Abby many times for the fodder her column provides me for this blog. I am, once again, ready to deal with an issue that is so often found in the letters she receives.

If you have ever read any of the letters she is sent, I am sure you will notice, just as I have, that there are so many people who write in about their spouse, friend, or significant other and state that they are just so wonderful, so kind, such a good parent, B-U-T….

It’s the but” that gets me: but…they get really nasty when they drink and they drink every night, or but…they don’t ever take me out, or but….they work all the time and are rarely home, but, but, but

Some of these issue are relatively minor, just the kind of quirks that get on your nerves now and then and you learn to live with for the sake of the relationship. However, there are those issues that are, or should be, “deal-breakers’ within a relationship, and the writer of the letter doesn’t seem to realize how bad it is.

In my first marriage, in my previous life, I read a book called “The Dance of Anger” by Dr. Harriet Lerner, and this was written mainly for women but my relationship was so bad that I wanted to see what it said. The basic premise is that when two are in a bad relationship, it becomes comfortable. So much so, that when one person starts to work out the problems and make the relationship better, the other party will actually go out of his or her way to start arguments and bring the disharmony back. This is because the bad relationship is more comfortable than the new good one. It was an interesting lesson for life, not just for marriage. And the book rang true: the more I tried to work it out, the more she made things worse. I am sorry, yet relieved, that I had to stop dancing with that partner long ago.

So what does this have to do with God, the bible and salvation? Plenty! We are in multiple relationships while we are alive: we are in a relationship with the world, with our spouse, our friends, our workmates, with God, and with the enemy of God. Yes, we are in a relationship with the enemy, and it should be a very bad relationship, one where we never get along, and the more he tries to win us over to his side, the more we refuse and rebuke him.

The Devil is an adulterer: he wants to come between us and God.

Unlike the writers of these types of Dear Abby letters, where they are covering their eyes with blinders or putting on rose-colored glasses to make their relationship problems seem smaller than they are, we need to see with open eyes and use discernment instead of lying to ourselves. We need to recognize the issues within our relationships and correct them. If someone is sinning against us, we need to work it out, or get away. Turning the other cheek doesn’t mean standing there while someone hits you- it’s a metaphor. DUH! It means don’t return evil for evil- that is the message we see more than once throughout the bible. Turn the other cheek means forgive, accept differences, don’t allow evil but don’t hate the sinner (hate the sin, yes, but not the sinner.) That is turning the other cheek. And if someone actually does hit you, then let it go. If he or she tries to hit you again, avoid it as best as you can by ducking, blocking or running away. Always protect yourself when someone wants to hurt you, and don’t return the violence unless you have no other choice.

I think we all put on “blinders” now and then, especially when it involves someone close to us. They say love is blind, and it often is, but it doesn’t have to be stupid. If you love the Lord, then ask for His sight through the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) so that you can see clearly.  Seeing the truth about someone doesn’t mean that you must leave the relationship if there are problems, it only means that you will be able to better see how to fix it. Hopefully, if your partner tries to “dance” you back into the bad relationship, you can sway this way and that, or change the dance altogether. In some cases, we need to “bite the bullet” and suffer the pain of getting a better partner (I am not condoning divorce- I am talking about any type of relationship between two or more people, not just marriage) and starting over again.

The most important relationship we can have is with God, through Messiah Yeshua and the Holy Spirit. God is eternal, God will always work with you, and God will never let you down. He is forgiving and compassionate, yet fair and just, so when we screw something up He will help get us back on the right path, even if it means a slap to the side of our head!  He is always willing to dance with us, and when we let Him lead, we can dance better than Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly, put together!

When you feel in your spirit that your relationship, whatever type it is, has something amiss, then go to God and ask Him to open your eyes. The best standard you can use to measure the worth of your relationship is the bible- it tells us how we are to treat each other. If your relationship fits (now be firm with yourself when you look at your relationship, and do not put on blinders) the way we are to treat each other according to the bible, even with a glitch here and there, then you are OK. If it doesn’t seem that your partner is doing as he or she should, then consider changing it or leaving it.  Yeshua tells us He came to be a wedge between family and friends (Matthew 10:34; Luke 12:51) and that if we aren’t willing to give up family, friends and everything, we can’t be His disciples (Mark 10:29.) He isn’t telling us to dump everyone we ever knew, but He is saying that following God’s way is going to cause division in our relationships, and to be ready for it. On the other hand, following God’s ways can also make all our relationships better.

No two people will ever get along perfectly, and if anyone ever tells you they never argue or always have peace in their relationship, keep away from them! They ain’t human! Donna and I have fights, we do get angry with each other, and sometimes we get on each other’s nerves for no reason whatsoever. The worst time is when we are both in a snit, and thank God that most of the times when one of us is in a snit, the other isn’t, and can ignore the desire of the flesh to get back. The only reason I can brag about our marriage is because God has given us His blessings and helped us with the peace we receive from His Ruach HaKodesh.  As Shaul said, I am not bragging on myself, but I am bragging on the Lord and all He has done in our marriage and lives.

So, to finish- if you are having relationship problems, go to God with it. Ask Him to open both sets of eyes to the truth, and to give both hearts a spirit of forgiveness and compassion. Overall, your relationship with God is the most important one in your life, and when you maintain that relationship all your other relationships will be more pleasant and rewarding.

How deep is your love?

Great song. The Bee Gees wrote this song in 1998 and when you read the words, it could easily be someone talking to God.

Except their lyrics say that the one they are singing to needs to show how deep her love is, whereas we need to show God how deep our love is, so maybe this is more like God singing to us?

How deep is your love? Do you love God? Why? Is it because of all the wonderful things He has done in your life? Do you love God for the promise of salvation? Do you love Yeshua (Jesus) for the way to salvation He provided for you?

If you said, “Yes” to any of the above, then I think your love is not very deep. Sorry, but if you love the Lord and love Messiah Yeshua only because of the things they have done for you, then your love is selfish and weakly rooted. Not very deep, at all.

If you have a disease and the doctor saves your life, do you love him or her?

If your spouse makes you feel happy, loved and appreciated, then someone you meet gives even more love, joy and appreciation to you, what do you do? Leave your spouse for that one? If your love is based only on what you receive from someone, then by definition you should leave. Then, if (and when) you meet someone who “ups the ante”, now you’re on your third marriage.

I love my wife for who she is: I believe that is because God is teaching me how to love as He loves. I love my family (immediate and cousins) for who they are, for our common experiences, and the same with my friends. I certainly don’t love them for the way they treat me, because in many ways they don’t treat me as I would like. Some of my lifelong friends don’t call me- I have to call them. Same with some family. But I love them despite what they do (or don’t do) because that is how God is teaching me to love.

But I still have a lot to learn. I am not holding myself up as an example to follow, just as an example. I am still very “fleshly”, and the word “love” brings up thoughts of romantic, human love. Do I love God? For me, loving God is- has to be- above what I can feel. Clearly, God is way above the realm of human love. Human love for God is so far below His love for us, it’s more than just “not in the same ballpark”, it’s not even the same sport!

I think I love God, I want to love God, and I am gratified that despite my human feelings (and lack of ability to love as completely as He does) He loves me, anyway.

God loves us despite what we do for, and to, Him. Look at history- after hearing God’s voice and seeing His awesome presence on Mt. Sinai, it took only 40 days for us to reject Him and build a Golden Calf (don’t you dare think, “Oh, well, that was the Jews that did that!  I wouldn’t have done that. You sure would have-so would I. We would have, and in our lives we all probably already have, in one way or another, built and danced before our own Golden Calf. If you can’t admit to that you better stop reading this now- it only gets harder to take.) After that sin, which was forgiven, we rejected His leadership (Moses and Aaron) more than once, we rejected the salvation He gave us (moaning and groaning all the time that they wanted to go back to Egypt), we then refused to enter the Land, then we sinned against Him by asking for a King, then that kingdom was split and the Northern Kingdom sinned from then on, the Southern Kingdom did OK for a while but also sinned itself into destruction, then the Greeks, the Romans, then the split of the Church, then….well, you get the picture.

And all during those times, no matter how many times we sinned against God, when we asked for forgiveness, He forgave us and welcomed us back to Him. Even though He knew we would backslide again, He still loved us despite how we treated Him. And He still loves us, today.

Didn’t Yeshua tell us to love our enemies? Didn’t Yeshua tell us to forgive our brothers who sin against us, pretty much as many times as they ask.  Aren’t we told to love as God loves, to forgive as God forgives (check out Matthew 6:14). That old adage, “To err is human: to forgive, divine” hits the nail right on the head! Forgiveness is absolutely tied to love- if you can’t forgive, you can’t love. If you can’t love for any reason other than how someone makes you feel, you cannot love as God loves.

Let’s say that again: If you can’t love for any reason other than how someone makes you feel, you cannot love as God loves.

That’s a hard word to hear. I think it is a word directly from God because (as the references above indicate) it is how God has loved us from the start.

To love as God loves is simply to love not for our needs, but for theirs. We should love others for who they are, for what they believe in, for how they treat all people. In 1 Corinthians, Shaul tells us that love is not selfish, but if we love only for selfish reasons than we aren’t loving, not really: what we are doing is just enjoying. We are feeling attracted to a person for what they do for us, not for who they are. At one point or another, what they do changes. If the relationship is a physical one, that’s gonna change, believe me. Age isn’t friendly to physical things. If the relationship is based on what “niceties” you get, such as little notes, little gifts, pretty cars or big, expensive stones, that’s gonna change, too. Eventually, the relationships we humans form will break down to their most basic components: you and me. So, do I really, really enjoy just being with you? Do you really, really enjoy just being with me?

Examine your love for those in your life, and remember that Yeshua tells us whatever we do to others is what we are doing to God (Matthew 25:40), so make sure your love is love going out and not love taking in.

Examine your love: is it selfish or selfless?

Parashah V’Yishlach (and he sent to him) Genesis 32:4 – 36

Jacob comes back to the land he left, and hears that Esau is coming out to meet him with 400 men. Frightened for his family, he splits the camp, sends them ahead and stays behind the Jabbok River that night by himself. That night he wrestles with an angel, who (in order to be released by Jacob, who has prevailed against the angel even after the angel damages his hip) gives Jacob the name “Israel” and blesses him. Jacob limps across the river, then decides to send gifts to Esau to appease him before the camp even gets close. As he gets closer, he sends his favorite wife and her child  (Rachel and Joseph) to the very rear, then next closest is Leah and her children, and right behind Jacob are the handmaidens of his wives and their children. It is obvious that the least favored of his children’s mothers were to be closest so if Esau killed Jacob and the family, these would be next, and hopefully Esau’s anger would not reach all the way to the end to find Rebekah and Joseph. However, Jacob’s prayers are answered when Esau embraces and cries over reuniting with his brother, and that is about all the lovey-dovey they do. Esau goes back to his family and life in Seir, and Jacob ends up settling at that time in Shechem, in the land of Canaan.

In this land Jacob’s daughter, Dinah, is raped by the son of Hamor, the king of Shechem. After doing so, however, the prince falls for her and asks a bride price. The sons of Jacob (interesting that Jacob is not in this discussion) state that the men of the city, all the men, must be circumcised before Dinah can marry even one of them. Then when the men are recovering, Levi and Simeon attack the men, kill all the adult men and take the women, children and possessions as spoil. Jacob is enraged about this, and (reasonably) concerned for his welfare and that of all his family. God tells Jacob to get to Beth-el. Jacob sets up a standing stone there, an altar to God, and as they continue to travel towards Bethlehem, Rachel dies in childbirth as Benjamin in born. She is buried there, and they continue to Bethlehem. One other major event is that Reuben sleeps with his father’s concubine, and this is an affront for which he is not forgiven, even unto Israel’s dying blessing on him, and Reuben also loses the rights of the firstborn (which go to Joseph and his sons.)

The parashah ends with a brief review of the sons of Jacob, and then an entire chapter to cover the descendants of Esau. From this point forward we don’t really hear that much about Esau and his relationship to Jacob, and the storyline shifts starting with the next parashah further away from Jacob and into the life of Joseph.

I could write a book on this parashah: there is so much in the telling of the brotherly love-hate relationships we’ve seen so far in the bible. Cain and Abel, Ishmael and Isaac, Jacob and Esau: each set of brothers had strife between them. Cain and Abel strove over the acceptance of God, Ishmael and Isaac strove over the acceptance of Abraham, and Esau and Isaac strove over the rights of the firstborn. From God’s acceptance, to their fathers acceptance, to receiving the blessings for themself.  We see the relationship deteriorate from between me and God (accepting my sacrifice), to me and Dad (Abraham sending Ishmael out on his own with no real inheritance), to pretty much me and me (Jacob and Esau struggling over the blessing and rights of the firstborn.) There’s plenty of juice in this orange we could squeeze out.

There’s also the changing of Jacob’s name, his wrestling not just with an angel, but with his (or mankind’s) desire to use deviousness over doing what is righteous. The name change is more than just that- The Chumash indicates that it represents a change in his entire viewpoint and actions from one of being the “supplanter” to one of being the “champion of God.” We see this change somewhat in how Jacob despises the deviousness of Levi and Simeon.

So, nu?  With all this good stuff to talk about, what do I talk about? Actually, as I am writing this I am not sure. But I think I know where to go, and it isn’t from the storyline. It’s from the comments I read in the Chumash.

The “Rabbis” who contributed to the Chumash, even though they were learned and godly men in many ways, just had to find something deep and studious in the word of God. For instance, at the very beginning of this portion we are told that Rashi takes the term, “I have sojourned” to mean that Jacob is telling Esau that although he has become as rich as a prince, he really was never more than a humble wanderer, a sojourner, and that the blessing he received from Isaac saying  Jacob would be greater than Esau has not been fulfilled, therefore Esau has no reason to be angry with Jacob. The Midrash states that the letters used in the word “גרתי” (sojourned) has the numerical value of 613, the exact number of commandments in the Torah, and it uses that to demonstrate that even though Jacob dwelt in a land that was not the one promised to him by God, he still remained subject to and obedient to the Torah- an exhortation to his descendants to do the same. Honestly, and with all due respect, to me that seems to be stretching it a bit; I mean, the Torah wasn’t even given to us yet.

Throughout the Chumash one can read many of these interpretations, and they do make sense in many ways, yet I was taught that you can’t make an argument from nothing. The fact that Hebrew letters have a numerical value and that it is part of interpreting the bible is valid- I have no problem with gimel (ג), or 8, representing a new beginning,  7 is completion,  3 is the godhead, and 4 for man and God. Yet, I can’t forget that old expression I learned when in banking: “Figures don’t lie, but liars figure.”  If we look deep enough, and manipulate things enough, eventually you can get blood from a stone.

When we read the bible the best way to interpret it is to let God, who wrote it, tell you what it means. The way that is done is through the Ruach HaKodesh, the Holy Spirit. I do not, in any way, feel that what I am writing now is spirit-led. I think it is more my own feelings, and experiences, and not some divine revelation. Still, I think it is valid ( or I wouldn’t write it) and ask that you think it over for yourself. Whether I tell you something, or your Rabbi/Pastor/Priest/Minister/whatever tells you something, you need to verify it for yourself by asking God to tell you what it really means. Of course, the spirit will only indwell when you ask for it.

The bible is, even for someone who doesn’t believe in God, a wonderful book, a valuable lesson in human relations, and a history of more than just the Jewish people (and every day it is proven more and more to be an accurate historical document.)  It has wisdom, poetry, substance, and value to everyone and anyone who has to survive in this world. To those who do believe in God, and who have accepted the Ruach HaKodesh, they will read all that the non-believers will read but get so much more out of it.

I give to you today a blessing and a curse regarding the Word of God: the blessing is that if you allow the Ruach HaKodesh to be your ultimate interpreter when you read the bible you will receive wonderful, life-changing, and eternal understanding of God and His kingdom. The curse is this: if you only listen to others, you accept what you like and reject what you don’t like, and never ask God to lead your understanding, then the bible will become a trap and a snare for you and you will be led not to eternal joy but placed on a direct path to the Lake of Fire!

The bible is like fire: when handled with respect and awe it can warm you, save your life and provide protection; but, when not respected, understood or treated with concern it will turn on you, destroying you and everything you have.

God is just so much so! He is so far above us and so much holier than we can even imagine that He must be treated with the ultimate level of respect. He is the One, He is all there is, He is everything (and I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G) and the only thing that matters. As humans, we want to have the world revolve around us, but we need to revolve around God. He should be the center of our universe, and His word should be treated with total respect and awe. It is like dynamite- when you use it respecting it’s power, you get tremendous benefit from it. When you treat it casually and without respect, you get blown to bits!

Look for what God has in the bible for you, but make sure that no matter what you hear from humans, you always test it against what God tells you through the Ruach HaKodesh.