David wrote this heartfelt prayer in Psalm 51 (CJB):
Create in me a clean heart, God; renew in me a resolute spirit. Don’t thrust me away from your presence, don’t take your Ruach Kodesh away from me. Restore my joy in your salvation, and let a willing spirit uphold me.
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I confess that I pray this on a regular basis, for myself, and not because it is a beautiful passage (which it is) and not because it tells of my love for God (which it does), but because I have become inured to having received the Grace of God and the indwelling of the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit).
I have been “saved” for nearly a quarter of a century, and didn’t come to know my Messiah until I was in my 40’s; when I decided to accept Yeshua, I still had to wait nearly three months before I received the gift of the Ruach.
And looking back, I remember the many times I would be in prayer or singing to the Lord and felt his touch, you know- that tingling sensation you get all over-and I knew it wasn’t just a chill or something earthly: I knew it was God.
I can’t remember the last time I felt that. And I know it isn’t because God has abandoned me, or withdrawn his Ruach because of all the wonderful blessings I receive from him and also because of these messages I am given, so to speak, to share with you. I can tell you right now that when I do something that is edifying, which I am happy to say I receive confirmation from people regularly that this is what I am doing, then I know that it is from God ’cause it ain’t from me, I can tell you that right now!
Trust me on this: if something good comes from me, it ain’t me. So when I get a positive reply to a Facebook posting or from one of these messages on my ministry, I accept that as confirmation that the Ruach is still at work in me.
But still, I miss that touch. I know it is my fault I don’t feel it; it is not that I have rejected God, but I have become too used to my salvation. I have worked within it for so long that I don’t really appreciate it as much as I first did. I know that is wrong, but I also know it is part of human nature to become adjusted to almost any condition we are in, once we have been there long enough (I wouldn’t want to use the word “bored”, but that is almost what it is like.)
Now don’t get me wrong: I am not saying I am bored with God- heaven forbid! I appreciate everything he does for me and my wife, and I thank him every day. I read his word daily and pray to him always, but it is that peace of mind, that wonder, that overwhelming sense of joy that I recall when I was first saved that I miss. That zealousness, that strong desire to do absolutely everything in the Torah perfectly…where did it go? Am I the victim of that old adage, “Familiarity breeds contempt?”
Again, not that I hate God- heaven forbid! (I sound like Shaul writing to the Romans, don’t I?) But there is something too familiar with my relationship with the Spirit and to God and Messiah Yeshua. It is like a life-long friendship where two people have formed such a close relationship that they don’t feel it as much consciously, but subconsciously they know they are as one.
So, nu? What do I do about this?
You know what? I don’t know. Maybe someone out there has an answer, maybe someone out there feels they are in the same boat as I am, and maybe the answer will come to me when God is ready to slap me upside my head and say, “Get back with the program!”
I trust that God is still with me, I know that he is waiting for me to come closer, his hand out there, in anticipation that sooner or later I will figure it out. It is undoubtedly some level of pridefulness on my part that is acting as a wedge between me and God, keeping me from getting closer to him.
I don’t know: I just…don’t…know.
So what I will do is continue to study his word, continue to pray, continue to do my best to live more in accordance with the instructions God gave us, and continue to trust that God will, one way or another, in his perfect timing show me what I need to do in order to come closer to him.
And, now that I think about it, that sounds like a good plan for anyone.
Thank you for being here and please subscribe and share these messages to help this ministry grow. I never ask for money because this is a teaching ministry and not a money-grabbing business (although it wouldn’t hurt if you bought some of my books.) I will never tell anyone what they must believe, only what I believe God is saying to us. All I want to do is give people what they need in order to make an informed decision about where they will spend eternity.
Until next time, L’hitraot and Baruch HaShem!
PS: I was making the video for this and as I was reviewing the video, I felt God’s touch! So it seems the answer is as David said elsewhere- a broken heart and a contrite spirit, God will not turn away.
Praise God, now and always, for his love endures forever!